I have no idea what this is about. I know I’ve seen it, I believe I’ve seen all of Colin Baker’s run. But no recollection.

Episode 1:

Twin boys with really bad haircuts and fashion play some board game that remotely looks like a backgammon board with tall triangular spires as pieces. Their father enters (and I’ve seen him before, likely in another serial, but I’m not looking the serial up yet as I don’t want to spoil it) and they ask where mother is.

She’s busy.”

Does that mean she isn’t talking to us?”

No, she’s just busy.”

They demand to see her, but he says she’s gone out. They find out he’s leaving soon, too, and the guilt trip begins. We learn they’re named Romulus and Remus. (Are they gonna build Rome? Is their mother a wolf?)

They challenge their father when he says they should respect their mother just because she gave birth to them. They call her a fool. He chides them and they go back to their game, just like that.

They tell him they’re going to play equations; this upsets him and he gets melodramatic, saying their powers could change things.

In the TARDIS, the new Doctor asks Peri what she thinks, but she’s confused, saying people don’t change like that. He says it’s a rebirth, a renewal, a positive triumph.

She insists he look in the mirror; he’s positively in love with what he sees! (I love this Doctor, he’s so arrogant and full of himself – outwardly so, where most of the other incarnations are at least SOMEWHAT more subtle about it. One, Three and Ten are the ones that come closest to Six’s over the top arrogance.)

He says it’s a positive improvement over his last incarnation, going deeper into the TARDIS. She follows, arguing, saying she liked Five, that he was sweet. The Doctor scoffs, saying that says it all, as they enter a room full of clothing on racks.

Oh, this has been a timely change.” He pauses, suddenly, as if struck by something. “Change. What change? There is no change,” he says, falling back against the clothing. “No rhyme, or time! No place for space, nothing! Nothing but the grinding engines of the universe!” He falls to his haunches, surrounded by clothing, wincing, almost cowering, “The crushing boredom of eternity!”

Then he laughs maniacally. Peri is disturbed.

The twins play a game using touchpads and screens.

The Doctor sifts through clothing. He picks up a fur coat reminiscent of Two. Then a smoking jacket much like Three wore at times. Peri is worried that he might change again.

The twins play their game. Their keypads have no writing and the screens show a language that we cannot decipher. Apparently the game ends as they turn their chairs to face each other and smile.

Suddenly a man in a robe appears in the room. One of the twins rises, “Fantastic!” The other says, “What a super trick,” also rising.

The visitor, an older man, says it’s a simple trick, but then praises their mathematics. He introduces himself as Professor Edgeworth. He says he’s there to pay respects to their father. They say it’s late for social calls.

He apologises, saying he’s come a long way. They tell him nobody is allowed there when their parents are out.

He agrees to leave, asking them to pass on a message to their father. He shakes their hands, but when he does so, he puts some form of control crystal/disc/whatsit on their wrists – and they seem to be under his control.

Under his control, they are transported away with him.

The Doctor has chosen a (delightfully) garish coat. He places cat lapel pin on. Peri ridicules him for his clothing. They debate, The Doctor comparing himself to Beau Brummel.

She says his choice in clothing is “Ugh, yuck!”

We see what appears to be a ship in space. It’s blocky and un-ship-like, though. Inside, some silver skinned, horned aliens (their hair is fluffy and bold and I would say they look like dwarves of a sort, but tall and with horns and silver skin) seem to be awaiting the so called Professor Edgeworth.

One says he’s taking too long and moves to contact Mestor, but the other says he’s coming in now. The old man and the twins appear in a transmat style booth and the twins are taken to be locked in a bunker, as directed by Edgeworth.

Edgeworth uses a device to contact Mestor. Mestory says there is no time to lose, and they must be taken to the safehouse on Titan III. He doesn’t want any connection to Jaconda.

Peri enters the console room, displaying her new outfit with a “ta-da!!!”

The Doctor looks at her and, smugly says, “Yuck!”

I do love their banter/rapport.

The Doctor says they’re going to Vesta 95; they need a holiday. He says he’d take her to the Eye of Orion but, and he seems sheepish about this, “The coordinates elude me at the moment.” He gives a nervous chuckle.

Suddenly, he stops and looks at her, asking how she came about a name like “Peri”. She says it’s a nickname. He quotes some poetry about the gate of Eden, saying a peri is a Persian fairy that was once evil, and that is what she is.

Then he says she’s an alien spy, stalking her and then grabbing her, choking her. She struggles, but he gets her down to the floor, hands on her throat. She uses her hand-mirror to catch his eye and his reflection causes him to recoil.

The father (who I recognise now – he was in GENESIS OF THE DALEKS, one of the scientists who was against Davros, but wanted to work with him if he would change his ways) comes home, finds the twins missing, and contacts the “special incidents room”.

He gives his ID, “Professor Sylvest, security clearance 941 oblique two nine”, and reports his children have been kidnapped. The security man says the Commander will call him back.

The security officer then reports to his commander, a stern woman (who also looks familiar) that the twins are missing, reported kidnapped and zanium was found on the floor. This apparently means aliens have kidnapped them. She orders a full scale search.

The Doctor recovers in the console room, asking what happened. Peri says he had another fit. She says he tried to kill her, but he says that’s absurd. He realises that she’s frightened and he says something is very wrong.

He gets melodramatic, wondering if it has come to “regenerate… yet unregenerate?” He says self-abnegation in a hellish wilderness is the only thing to fix him, for he is a danger to all – he must become a hermit, and she will be his disciple.

Titan III is where I shall repent,” he declares, striking a button and the TARDIS is rocked vehemently.

The twins open a panel, trying to send a distress signal. Edgeworth is sleeping fitfully. The two aliens are in the cockpit, but one leaves, coming to check on the twins, who put the panel back just in time. He closes the door after checking on them.

The commander gets a report from Lang (the guy who took the call, I believe, and was sent to command the search), who reports a freighter that he cannot make voice contact with. The commander orders Elena to check it out on the computer.

Lang says the ship is emitting an irregular signal. Elena says that the ship marked XV773 “was reported missing, believed destroyed, eight months ago.”

Lang is ordered to keep on the ship. The aliens go into warp drive, saying that that class of ship was never built for warp drive, but in mid communication, Lang’s signal goes static-y.

The Doctor gets melodramatic again when they arrive on Titan III. Peri is snarky. (Not that I blame her.) She says he can’t be serious about being a hermit, but he is resolute in his decision. He says they need a cave where they can suffer together.

Peri argues they cannot go out, but the instruments say the atmosphere is breathable. Suddenly the TARDIS is rocked and The Doctor says they must investigate.

Edgeworth brings the twins and aliens to somewhere on Titan III. Mestor contacts him, saying he was careless. He tells Edgeworth that he’s destroyed five ships to protect him already. When Edgeworth says he should go back, Mestor says no, he wants to see how the Earth fleet reacts.

We see Mestor, in a room with other aliens like the ones from the ship. He sits on a throne, but appears to be different than the other aliens, almost bug like. He orders Edgeworth to artificially revive them.

Edgeworth argues, and Mestor gets mad, saying do as he commands. Edgeworth gives in. Mestor tells him to set the twins to the first equation as soon as possible, and to make sure nobody survived the ships.

The Doctor and Peri are outside, where a ship seems to have crashed (obviously one of the ships Mestor was talking about). Peri says it’s dangerous and The Doctor tells her to stay there, “This is work for heroes, not for faint-hearted girls.”

They find Lang, who was thrown from the ship, laying unconscious.

The commander is given orders from the Minister to call off the search. She unhappily follows the orders.

Back in the TARDIS, Lang wakes, murmuring about his ship, the squadron, the children. He passes out, and when Peri asks if he will live, The Doctor lays into her for having wanted to turn back before they found him. She rises to the occasion and lays into him for always giving a performance.

I never saw anyone who loved himself so much with less reason! You’ve forgotten all about him – by time you’re done congratulating yourself, he’ll probably be dead!”

The Doctor rises, outraged, but Lang comes to (think he was feigning unconsciousness) and points a gun at The Doctor, “Murderer! You destroyed my entire command, now I’m going to kill you,”… and the credits roll.

(Guns don’t work in the TARDIS unless they forgot or changed their mind again, so this isn’t an effective cliffhanger for me.)

spoiler warning

Episode 2:

Peri stands up for The Doctor, asking Lang to put the gun down. He says no, but then passes out. Peri takes the gun away. The Doctor is affronted that he tried to kill him and refuses to help him.

Peri says they can’t let him die. She finds an ID and says he’s a policeman. They disarm the gun and he reluctantly agrees to tend to Lang’s injuries.

The aliens report to Edgeworth that they found remains of two bodies, and they feel the others were destroyed with the ships. The human sends the aliens to check their own ship for damage.

The twins are hard at work on some equation; Edgeworth gives them a hard time for working slow and they complain about having to use pens, but he says it’s their own fault for rigging a distress beacon.

The twins throw their pens away and resist. He orders them, but they resist. He says he can force them but he doesn’t want to. They ask what it’s all about and he says it’s too soon to tell him everything, but says the new master of Jaconda requires their gifts to further his “infinite ambition”… but the professor says he cannot tell them any more.

But I can,” Mestor’s voice booms in the room. Edgeworth, stunned, turns to look behind him. Mestor’s image appears on the wall. “Professor Edgeworth is a merciful being, he believes in the sanctity of life. I do not. Fail to obey him once more and I will have your minds removed from your bodies and use them as I wish.” Now that’s a pretty effective threat, I think.

The twin acknowledge that they understand his threat and Mestor’s image disappears.

The Doctor uses a ‘deep healing beam’ to heal Lang and says with an hour’s rest, Lang will be “right as rain… whatever that means.” The Doctor says there is something going on and he must find the evil at work and destroy it. Peri throws it in his face what he said earlier about being the threat and coming to Titan III to meditate.

The Doctor quickly jumps to brush that off as words spoken during the sickness of transition. He begins using leaps of logic that would make Sherlock Holmes’ eye twitch, and from Lang’s murmured “the children,” has suddenly deduced that children of great importance have been kidnapped by aliens, and brought there and held for ransom.

Peri says that’s absurd. She’s cynical. She activates the scanner and they see a construct, ant hill like. She points out the radiation level and he blows it off.

What’s a little radiation sickness between friends,” she quips.

Brave heart, Tegan,” he replies, then looks confused. “Tegan?”

I’m… Peri?”

Yes, of course.”

Peri continues to fret about any danger, but he assures her this is a simple recon. They depart, leaving Lang, still unconscious, there.

The twins tell Edgeworth that transmitting their equations will generate power equivalent to a small sun, but he says he knows what he’s doing. He sends them to go rest.

The Doctor quotes Longfellow as he and Peri march across the terrain. They find an entrance hatch in a rock and enter, after Peri whines some more. (She’s suddenly awfully whiny this serial. I mean… I get that she’s still frightened by his change and all, but she showed a lot more spine in the previous serials.)

The twins try to figure out their memories have been tampered with. They talk about being frightened of Mestor.

The Doctor and Peri make their way through the service tunnels. They argue some more and somehow end up switching sides – she wants to continue on, he wants to go back.

The two aliens find them. The Doctor begs for mercy, hiding behind Peri as guns are pointed at them.

Mestor tells Edgeworth that they have called off the search and he is to return at once. Edgeworth seems weak and says he must revitalise. He enters a booth to do so and is bathed in purple light. We see what is meant to be an x-ray type view of his body.

The Doctor blames Peri, telling the aliens she’s always getting him into trouble. She storms ahead, “Thanks a lot, Doc.”

Kindly refrain from referring to me as ‘Doc’, Perpugilliam!”

Edgeworth just exits the revitalisation booth as Peri and The Doctor are brought in. He begins looking around at some of the technology in the room, saying it looks familiar. Edgeworth wants to know who they are; Noma (one of the aliens, the other is Drak) says they are spies.

The Doctor says they are pilgrims, searching for a cave for hermitage. Suddenly, The Doctor looks at Edgeworth and recognises him as his old mentor, “Azmael”. He introduces him to Peri as “my old friend and mentor, the master of Jaconda”.

Edgeworth denies knowing him. The Doctor says he’s regenerated twice since their last meeting. Grabbing the professor’s hands, he puts him on his chest, so he can feel his hearts beat. “The twin hearts that beat as one?”

I’m a Time Lord, just as you are,” he tells the old man. Okay, I wasn’t expecting THAT. Trying to convince him, The Doctor brings up the last time they were together, and Azmael “drank like twenty giants”.

Azmael finally concedes that he must be The Doctor, but the old man is not happy to see his old friend. Edgeworth says “the old times are gone”.

The twins arrive and The Doctor sees them. Suddenly, connections are made in his head.

Lang wakes in the TARDIS, looking about. He rises from his chair and explores. “My ship… my ship.. Oh, no, no.” He sees his gun and grabs it, but sees the power pack is gone. He searches for it.

The Doctor chastises his old friend, “I see. You abduct these children, deprive them of their memories, bring them to this screaming wilderness and won’t disclose your motives? That hardly sounds in character.”

Azmael says he is in a point beyond trouble, “You can’t help me now.” While they argue, one of the aliens (Noma?) goes off and activates something – a destruct? A beacon?

Azmael says he is no longer the master of Jaconda, but will do anything he can do to save his people. He tells them they will have to stay there, and the lock has “ten million million” combinations.

The twins are ordered into the transmat; Azmael tells them that if they try to use it to follow, their atoms will be scattered.

If it’s any consolation, Doctor, I, too, remember that evening by the fountain. Farewell.” He joins the twins and the aliens in the transmat booth and they beam away.

Peri frets that they’re stuck there forever, but The Doctor even with “ten million million” combinations, it’ll be a few days at best. He sets to the computer to sort it out.

Lang is in the wardrobe room and puts on an outfit even gaudier than The Doctor’s. And it so happens to be the one with the power pack in it! Finding it, he puts it in the gun.

Peri finds the console that the alien activated. She goes to The Doctor to show him and he reluctantly comes over. It is a self-destruct and they only have minutes to find another way out!

Lang tries to prise open the TARDIS doors.

The Doctor examines the twins’ math and declares, “Eureka, Peri! I can do it!”

Edgeworth’s ship launches.

The Doctor says he’s altered the revitalising booth to transport her back in time into the TARDIS. She goes in and he activates it, shocked that it actually worked. He has her watch to time his transmit, but her watch has stopped, and he has to guess the right time.

Peri appears in the TARDIS, while Lang points his gun at her. She either cannot see him, or is more worried that The Doctor didn’t appear. She brushes past him and opens the scanner, just in time to see the mound explode.

In a horrible bit of acting, she turns and faces the camera, supposedly crying, “Doctor, oh no, Doctor…” and the credits roll.

(Sorry about the harshness, but that was just not good at all, not very convincing or compelling.)

See you guys on Friday!