This is only two episodes, but I’m doing one post for each, because I have a strong feeling I’m going to be doing a LOT of dialogue, word for word here.

Episode 1:

A Time Lord arrives, saying he came as soon as he could. The Inquisitor thanks him, addressing him as “Keeper”. She then turns to The Doctor, asking if he is done with his defense, but the Valeyard interrupts, bringing up Article Seven again.

The Inquisitor flies into a rage for him interrupting, saying just because they spent a steamy weekend in the Eye of Harmony… oh, sorry, no, that doesn’t happen. I’m making that up.

She, does, however, put him in his place, saying she will “deal with that charge in due course, Valeyard. Now kindly, do not interrupt me again.” YES, Sagacity laying the smacketh-down!!

Again, she asks if The Doctor has any further evidence in his defense. He says he does not, but points out that much of “The Railyard’s so-called evidence was a farrago of distortion which would have had Ananias, Baron Munchausen and every other famous liar blushing down to their toenails.”

He maintains that the evidence has been tampered with, though he does not know by whom or why.

The Inquisitor points out that she has summoned the Keeper of the Matrix and asks him about The Doctor’s allegations. The Keeper says it is impossible to tamper with the Matrix. Only those who have the Key of Rassilon may enter it.

The Doctor queries by whom may the key be used, and the Keeper replies, “Qualified people, for inspection, once in a millennium perhaps to replace a transductor.” The Doctor argues about making copies, the Keeper denies it. They go back and forth until the Valeyard interrupts, saying this is a poor attempt to throw them off.

The Doctor argues again that the Matrix can be physically penetrated, as the Keeper has just admitted. He asserts it has been deliberately distorted, by someone who wants his head, “Someone such as…” he turns and points to the prosecutor, “the Valeyard.”

The prosecutor just laughs, and in a rather sinister fashion.

We suddenly are outside the space station, zooming in. Two coffin-sized structures beam down in a beam of light (same as when The Doctor’s TARDIS first arrived.) They appear inside the lobby and one opens, revealing Sabalom Glitz!!!

There’s banging on the other one and he opens it, wondering what happened to Dibber’s voice, only to find Mel inside. She chastises him and they banter amusingly.

Inside the courtroom, the Inquisitor says the only way to rebut the Matrix evidence is to produce witnesses backing up his side. Well, that’s convenient, then, what what?

The Doctor says that he cannot produce witness, any he could are scattered through space and time. The Valeyard says procrastination is his only defense, but suddenly Mel and Glitz burst in.

They say they have been sent, but when the Inquisitor asks who sent them, it’s not Glitz who answers but… on the Matrix screen looming above them all, it’s none other than….

spoiler warning

THE MASTER!!!! SQUEEEEEE!!! (Yes, I knew he was in this but I didn’t recall he appeared so early.)

Oh, no, now I a really am finished,” The Doctor laments.

The Inquisitor says this is irregular and demands to know who he is.

I am known as The Master, and as you see, I speak to you from within the Matrix, proof, if any be needed, that not only ‘qualified people’ can enter here,” he answers.

He shows a copy of the key when challenged by the Keeper.

The Inquisitor starts harping about this being an independent inquiry, but he cuts her off, saying he has been following the proceedings with great interesting and amusement, but now “must intervene for the sake of… justice.”

The Doctor scoffs, “Justice? Pay no attention, madam, he has no concept of what justice is. He’s see me dead, tomorrow.”

Gladly, Doctor,” The Master replies, “But I’m not prepared to countenance a rival,” he says turning his gaze on the Valeyard.

Hastily, the Valeyard speaks, “My Lady, I must propose an immediate adjournment.” She declines, saying his has completed his presentation and “The ball, as The Doctor might say, is out of your court.” Woo hoo, Sagacity has picked up some Earth-isms.

The Master says he sent two star witnesses. The Valeyard challenges the veracity of Glitz, saying they know him to be a criminal. Mel argues, saying she’s “as truthful, honest and about as boring as they come.”

When The Master asks for Glitz to speak, the Inquisitor says that criminals have been known to speak truth, and allows it.

The Valeyard argues that he’s protesting allowing The Master to produce surprise witnesses. When the prosecutor claims not to know The Master, the renegade Time Lord calls him out on it, “I’m surprised at the shortness of the Valeyard’s memory.”

The Inquisitor puts The Master in his place, then instructs The Doctor to examine his witnesses.

Glitz is busy trying to buy the “machronite” which lines the trial room, offering her money for it. The Doctor has to yell to get his attention, asking how he knows The Master. Glitz says he’s “a business partner, so to speak.”

The Doctor asks Glitz what was in the box he and Dibber were after on Ravalox/Earth. “I don’t know,” the criminal replies, “Scientific stuff, so he said,” indicating The Master. “Stuff the Sleepers have been nicking from the Matrix for years.”

The Keeper is shocked to hear this and questions if he means his Matrix. Glitz confirms that he does. The Sleepers had found a way to break into it and were siphoning it off to take back to Andromeda.

When The Doctor questions about them operating from Earth, Glitz says that was their cover. “They knew the Time Lords would eventually trace the leak.”

The Valeyard jumps up, all but snarling, “He’s lying, my lady!”

I don’t think so, Stackyard,” The Doctor retorts, “It all begins to make very good sense.”

Glitz continues, explaining the Time Lords did “suss out the leak” and in an attempt to wipe out the Sleepers, they used the Magnotron. The Doctor says that only an order of the High Council can allow the use of it.

The Master, watching with glee, interjects himself, “Of course, Doctor, to protect their own secrets, they drew the Earth and its constellation billions of miles across space…”

The Doctor completes the sentences, “…causing the fireball which nearly destroyed the planet!”

The Master continues, “Of little consequence in the High Council’s planning. The robot recovery mission from Andromeda sped past Earth, out into space. Gallifreyan secrets were saved.” Except the Sleepers set up a survival chamber before the fireball did its damage.

So that’s why Earth was renamed Ravalox,” The Doctor exclaims. “That sanctimonious gang of hypocrites were covering their tracks!”

Glitz says there’s a big market for their scientific advances, “Worth a lot of grotzits.”

And, then, here we have it. One of the best quotes from this show, from all of tv, to be honest.

The Doctor, angry and horrified, looks at the gathered Time Lords, “All my travelings throughout the universe, I have battled against evil. Against power-mad conspirators. I should have stayed here! The oldest civilisation… decadent, degenerate and rotten to the core! Power-mad conspirators, Daleks, Sontarans, Cybermen. They’re still in the nursery compared to us. Ten million years of absolute power, THAT’S what it takes to be really corrupt.”

Mel tries to get him to calm down. The Inquisitor tells him, “These unseemly outbursts…” but he cuts her off. “UNSEEMLY OUTBURSTS?!?!? If I hadn’t visited Ravalox, as I then thought of it, the High Council would have kept this outrage carefully buried as presumably they have for several centuries!”

I must agree,” rumbles The Master from the Matrix. “You have an endearing habit of blundering into these things, Doctor, and the High Council took full advantage of your blunder.” While he talks, The Doctor just seethes, his eyes burning angrily.

The Inquisitor demands he explain his claims.

The Master smiles at her, then the prosecutor. “They made a deal with the Valeyard… or as I’ve always known him, The Doctor… to adjust the evidence, in return for which, he was promised the remainder of The Doctor’s regenerations.”

It is the Valeyard’s (or as I’ve always known him, The Doctor) turn to seethe as The Master speaks. He stands up, beginning to protest, but The Doctor interrupts him, “Just a minute!” With his eyes locked on the prosecutor, he addresses The Master, “Did you call him… The Doctor?”

Ominous musical chords strike as The Master replies, “There is some evil in all of us, Doctor… even you. The Valeyard is an amalgamation of the darker sides of your nature, somewhere between your twelfth and final incarnation. And I may say, you do not improve with age.”

The Doctor gapes, staring at… well, himself. The Valeyard stares back, warily.

Madam,” The Doctor says quietly, “this revelation should halt this trial immediately. Surely, even Gallifreyan law must acknowledge that the same person cannot be both prosecutor and defendant.”

The Inquisitor seems mentally scrambling to hold on to her little trial, “The single purpose of this trial is to determine the defendant’s guilt or otherwise on the basis of the evidence that has been presented. Anything else is, for the moment, irrelevant.”

Completely unbelieving, The Doctor all but screams at her, “WHAT?” As he does, the Valeyard dashes out behind him and out the exit. Mel calls out to The Doctor, alerting him, and he gives chase as the Inquisitor calls out after the Valeyard.

Glitz and Mel follow The Doctor, who says “We need him!” However, they find no sign of him in the lobby. The Keeper, who was come out with the Inquisitor, says the Seventh Entrance to the Matrix is there and the Valeyard must have had a key.

The Doctor gets him to open it, but the Keeper argues, saying he’ll never find him, “The Matrix is a micro-universe.”

Mel pleads with him not to go, but he says he must, “Perhaps nothing in my life has ever been so important,” and he jumps through the door, pulling Glitz with him.

Mel calls after them and the Inquisitor tells her to be silent. She instructs them to return to the trial room, though Mel argues there’s nobody to try any more.

In a rat-infested, run down area, The Doctor appears in a beam of yellow light, complaining about the journey. A bell tolls and voices call out in the distance. A horse can be heard tramping by on cobblestones.

The Doctor calls out for Glitz, but the Valeyard’s laughter echoes all about instead. Then, children signing “London Bridge” can be heard. Again, Valeyard laughs, then piano music and a laughing crowd.

The Doctor runs about, to no avail. He sees a barrel full of water and approaches it, “I can’t believe you’re in there,” he says, looking into it, but two hands reach out and grab him, pulling his head in.

Glitz appears in a beam of light in the place where The Doctor first arrived. He hears The Doctor crying out for help and dashes over, finding The Doctor on his back. The Time Lord tells Glitz they’re not in the real world any longer.

Glitz questions how they could be in another world, when they just stepped through a door. The Doctor says they’re in the Matrix, “where the only logic is… there isn’t any logic.” That doesn’t make sense for a computerised repository of information, does it?

Yeah, I knew this was a mistake,” Glitz says, “My grip on reality’s not great on the best of times.” He hands The Doctor a slip of paper, “Here, this is for you. Now, if you don’t mind telling me, how do I get out of here?”

The Doctor reads the paper, “It’s from The Master.”

I know,” Glitz replies, “I’ve just given it to you. He said it would be useful.”

The Doctor shows Glitz, “It tells me where the Valeyard has his base.”

Glitz reads it, “The Fantasy Factory, proprietor JJ Chambers.”

They look up and see a big building with a glowing sign atop, THE FANTASY FACTORY.

So why is The Master helping me,” The Doctor wonders.

Yeah, well, I’m sure you’ll find out,” Glitz says. “I’m off.”

The Doctor grabs his arm, saying he wants him to meet his darker side. Glitz argues, but The Doctor says he’ll be safe. Just then, the building is lit up and a spear shoots out and strikes Glitz in the chest.

In the courtroom, the Inquisitor addresses The Master, “Assuming I accept what you say about the evidence against The Doctor, how much of it had been contrived?”

The Master replies, the gathered Time Lords and Mel listening, “For a lie to work, Madam, it must be… shrouded in truth. Therefore, most of what you saw was true.”

Then the young woman, the one who died, was that true,” the Inquisitor asks about Peri.

The Master smiles a wonderfully sinister grin, “Ah, the delightful Miss Perpugilliam Brown. That was clever of the Valeyard, exploiting the affection The Doctor had for her… but then, of course, the Valeyard would know precisely how The Doctor felt.”

Then she lives,” queries the Inquisitor.

A soft, almost faerie-like melody plays as The Master answers, “As a queen, set up on high by that warmongering fool Yrcanos.”

The Inquisitor turns away from the screen, “I am pleased,” she says quietly.

Sentiment will not keep The Doctor alive, my lady,” The Master tells her.

Mel, standing in The Doctor’s box asks if they can do anything to help.

Glitz lays on the cobblestone, The Doctor standing next to him. The Time Lord says, “You’ll catch cold, laying there.”

You’re a hard man, Doctor. I could have been killed,” Glitz complains.

The Doctor steps over him, “Not when you’re wearing a mark seven postidion life preserver.”

Glitz gets up as The Doctor explains the Valeyard wants to humiliate him.

Oh, I see, he humiliates you by throwing harpoons at me. Makes a lot of sense.” I do love Sabalom Glitz.

The Doctor says that together they can fight the Valeyard. Glitz’s answer is even more brilliant, “Look, Doctor, I’m a small-time crook with small-time ambitions, one of which is to stay alive.”

When Glitz tries to leave, The Doctor points out that if the Valeyard kills him, Glitz will be next as the only witness. Glitz sees the logic and agrees to help.

The Inquisitor complains that she’s “never had to conclude a case in both the absence of the accused and the prosecutor.” The Master points out that they’re the same person. “So you’ve said,” she asks, “but can you prove that?”

He says he knows them both, but suggests she speak to the High Council, “They set up this travesty of a trial, making a scapegoat of The Doctor to conceal their own involvement.”

She asks why she should accept that allegation from him. He says she should, if she wants to learn the truth. She questions him, wondering what his interest is, pointing out that she doubts it is concern for The Doctor.

Oh, indeed not,” he says, a chuckle in his voice. “The Doctor’s well-matched against himself. One must destroy the other.”

Mel, horrified, gasps, “How UTTERLY evil.”

Thank you,” The Master says, touched at her kind words. “I think I lay a shade more odds on the Valeyard, though the possibility of their mutual destruction must exist. THAT would be perfect.”

You’re despicable,” Mel tells him.

The Inquisitor asks, “Am I to take it that some base desire for revenge is your motive for interfering?”

Darker chords strike as The Master replies, the camera zooming in, “There’s nothing purer and more unsullied, madam, than the desire for revenge. But, if you follow the metaphor, I’ve thrown a pebble into the water, perhaps killing two birds with one stone… and causing ripples that will rock the High Council to its foundation!” He begins laughing, pleased with his chance to gloat.

The Inquisitor just glares at him. He recovers himself, “What more could a renegade wish for?”

In the Matrix, The Doctor and Glitz enter the building, where they find a man behind a desk, working by lantern light. The man ignores them until they ring the bell and ask for the proprietor.

The man says they need an appointment. The Doctor says they’re expected and make introductions. The bureaucrat at the desk goes on about the process and routine and how it cannot be rushed.

Oh, I don’t know,” The Doctor replies, “I’ve always been a bit of an iconoclast by nature.” He dashes to the next room, finding the same man in there, who is expecting them. He tells them they “all are” expecting them, but Glitz says the previous one wasn’t.

He is the exception. The VERY junior Mr Popplewick isn’t permitted to expect anyone,” this one explains.

What’s he talking about,” Glitz asks The Doctor.

I think it’s called bureaucracy.”

Popplewick, overhearing, corrects him, “I prefer to call it order. And the holy writ of order is procedure.”

He explains they wish to see the proprietor and they should have made an appointment. The Doctor asks if they can expedite the procedure, but the clerk goes on a rant about it.

He asks The Doctor to sign a consent form, signing over The Doctor’s remaining lives should he die here.

Obviously, the Valeyard doesn’t trust the High Council to honor their side of the bargain,” The Doctor says, signing the contract, much to Glitz’s dismay. That done, they are directed to a waiting room until the signature can be verified.

The Doctor opens the door, only to find himself in a wind-blown beach area. The Valeyard’s laughter echoes all about when The Doctor realises that Glitz isn’t there. When The Doctor asks where Glitz is, the Valeyard’s voice says he should worry about himself, and hands reach up out of the beach, grabbing him.

The Doctor proclaims “This is an illusion, this isn’t happening,” but the Valeyard says it is. Trying to break free, The Doctor falls down and the arms grab him, pulling him down into the gravely beach.

You are dead, goodbye, Doctor,” the Valeyard’s voice booms. The Doctor screams… and the credits roll.

Excellent well cliffhanger. See you Friday. 

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